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Build confidence and be yourself


 

Just recall the day when you were much younger, say 12 year old. You had a subject called mathematics. Now a problem came in front of you. How did you solve it?

1.    Read the problem carefully to understand it

2.    Write the set of data given

3.    Think of the formula(tool) which should be used to solve it

4.    Apply the formula and get the answer

Well, life works in somewhat similar way.

You have a problem: Lack of confidence

Step 1: understand it

To understand what you need is: determine the causes of the problem

Step 2: Write down the data which you get

To write it , observe yourself for finding out the specific issues you face and write them down

Step 3: Learn the tools, if you don’t know them and list them down

Step 4: use them and you will have a solution in your hand

Now, this sounds too hypothetical to understand and to follow it. So what do we do?

Let me take you through each of them one by one in depth so that you will know how to make yourself confident

Step 1: Understand it

First you need to know, where are the places where your lack of confidence appears.  There are certain symptoms which can help you to understand your situation  in a better way. When you see the symptoms, write them down on a piece of paper. I would recommend you to keep a diary so that you can make your exercise continuous to track your improvement. And if you can’t write on the spot, try to remember them and write them down after you go home or any other peaceful place where no one can disturb you. But don’t leave it for long as you may tend to forget them

1.    Do you want to say something but don’t say it? Write why you didn’t say it

2.    Did you stammer, while talking to a person? Write what made you stammer

3.    Were you supposed to do something but you didn’t with no specific reason? Write the reason for your avoidance

4.    Did you say something which regretted later? Write what you said and what made you say that

5.    Did you avoid someone for no specific reason? Write why you didn’t want to see him or her

6.    You wanted to say something but you said something entirely different?Write what you wanted to say and what you said. Also write why you said that

7.    Did you hear people around say that you look afraid? Ask them frankly why did they feel so

Any time you didn’t feel confident, write it down. Don’t show it to anyone but yourself and once you are done with finding a solution, tear them off.

Step 2: Write down the data which you get

                             

Gather all the data together and sit down to write them seriously on a sheet of paper.

Data compilation: First you need to complete it like I said you may have skipped some points because you didn’t get chance to write. Write them down.

For Example:

1.    I wanted to ask a question to the faculty who was giving a lecture in my class I didn’t ask because I thought my question was very stupid

2.    I was stammering, while talking to my boss about a deal which we didn’t get. I was trying to explain the reasons. I thought he will not take my reasons in good spirits and will think that I am not good enough to handle the situation. Also he will shout at me, humiliate me

3.    I had an opportunity to give a presentation to customers but I gave it to a colleague. I was afraid that my presentation skills were not up to the mark and I may end up screwing things. I thought I will forget important points and I will not be able to answer a few questions which they will shoot at me.

4.    I was asked my colleague not to disclose our condition to a competitor but I told him everything knowing that could cost us a deal. I disclosed our weakness. I said it because the other person was more confident and felt that even if we tried hard , he was the one who was going to get the deal. He was too sharp to hide anything from and even if I didn’t tell him, he would know

5.    I tried to avoid a customer whom I was supposed to meet and explain the reasons for delay in delivery. Our company was at fault and I felt if I tell him this, he would think that I am not efficient enough to make my people work for me

6.    I was asked to tell the prospect that I loved their field which is why I wanted to work on their project but I said, my company is going to give some good incentives for the work to me as it was a big deal. I wanted to say that the deal was my personal interest but I said that I was doing it just for getting more money. I said that because I got nervous  and suddenly I felt it was stupid to say what I had planned to say. I got nervous because I was not the pampering types. I couldn’t lie.

7.    My boss said I looked very diffident as if someone was going to eat me up? He said my body language shows that I don’t have confidence which reflects my lack of knowledge

Step 3: Learn the tools

                  

Write down all your reasons (lines marked In green) and use the tools mentioned below:

1.   Negation: Now after writing all the points, start to negate them.

2.   Justification: Now write the justification for your negation as if you are not the person who have these problem but your friends has written it.

For Example:

1.     I didn’t ask because I thought my question was very stupid

Negation: Well, the question was intelligent

Justification:

a.    I heard other students asking even more silly questions

b.   Another student asked the same question and the teacher said “good question”

2.    I thought he will not take my reasons in good spirits and will think that I am not good enough to handle the situation. Also he will shout at me, humiliate me

Negation: Well, a broken deal was not my mistake. And I don’t feel that I not good just because he is shouting at me.

Justification:

a.    There was a genuine reason which was not under my control which caused this failure

b.   He is a dominating boss and no matter whose mistake is this, he is going to shout at meout of habit and also because he is going to get a beating from his boss

c.    No one could have handled it in a better way than I did

3.    I was afraid that my presentation skills were not up to the mark and I may end up screwing things. I thought I will forget important points and I will not be able to answer a few questions which they will shoot at me.

Negation: I have the best of skills to give the presentation

Justification:

a.    I have made it myself and I know more than anyone else about it

b.   I understand the subject better than others and there are no questions which I can’t answer

c.    Forgetting is a natural phenomenon and I have kept a small summary sheet which will help me to handle the situation. So even if I forget a point, I can easily recall.

4.    I disclosed our weakness. I said it because the other person was more confident and felt that even if we tried hard , he was the one who was going to get the deal. He was too sharp to hide anything from and even if I didn’t tell him, he would know

Negation: He didn’t know anything about us and there was no way he had an edge over us. He was not sharper than me. He could in no way guess what I had in my mind. He was just bluffing.

Justification:

a.    I know that we are into the same boat and there is no way he could know more than me

b.   My boss told me that we have a better offer and we will surely win. I trust him and I am confident about our winning position

c.    He was trying to know about our weaknesses which shows that he is insecure and that he has a weak point which we may get a  benefit of.

5.    Our company was at fault and I felt if I tell him this, he would think that I am not efficient enough to make my people work for me

Negation: The mistake was not mine and the circumstances were not under my control. I know how to make people work but there are certain people who no matter what happens, just don’t work.

Justification:

a.    I tried my best to coordinate with my people to get the deliveries on time

b.   Deliveries couldn’t be made because of unavailability of the raw material which was to be taken from supplier and I don’t have any control over suppliers production

c.    There were many people who made things go faster just for me but only a few of them couldn’t make it. I can’t blame myself for those few.

d.   I now know the loopholes in the process and next time I can ensure that delay doesn’t happen

6.    I wanted to say that the deal was my personal interest but I said that I was doing it just for getting more money. I said that because I got nervous  and suddenly I felt it was stupid to say what I had planned to say. I got nervous because I was not the pampering types. I couldn’t lie.

Negation: What I wanted to say was a perfect thing to impress my customer. I can lie when it is required and that too with confidence. And I was not trying to pamper them but I just wanted to make them feel good about it.

Justification:

a.    My boss told that it was a good thing to say and I have to accept his views because he has more experience than me

b.   Well there is no harm in saying something which makes a person feel good evern if it not entirely true

c.    I have lied several times in my life so why can’t I do it now?

7.     He said my body language shows that I don’t have confidence which reflects my lack of knowledge

Negation: I have the best of knowledge and I am not afraid

Justification:

a.    I am not supposed to know as much as he knows. After all he has more experience than me and once I reach his position, I may know even more than him

b.   I know everything about my job so there is no need to be afraid

Now write the justifications together on a piece of paper .

3.   Tear the papers on which you have written your weak reasons(in green) and feel as if while you are tearing them, you are taking them out of your mind

4.   Carry your new justification sheet with you wherever you go . Keep on reading them whenever you get time. Use them as positive autosuggestions to make yourself feel more confident and next time you face the under-confidence. You can even make flashcards such that on each card you write one positive sentence and keep on looking at them at occasions.

5.   Imagine as if it is a monster inside you and you need to throw it out. Close your eyes and move your index finger towards your mind. Think about the monster and tap the finger on your head to throw the fear monster out of your head.

Step 4: use them and you will have a solution in your hand

These five simple tools mentioned in previous point will take away the fear from within but make sure you don’t skip any of them even if they sound stupid because they work!

Keep the process on till you completely eliminate the fear inside you.

Every time you feel victimized by the monster, you can start by creating a new sheet and repeating the process.

The bases of these tools are the principles which are explained in psychology.

I will not get into deep but just so that you know the effectiveness, let me tell you in brief.

1.    As per psychoanalytic theory, our mind has two parts: conscious and subconscious

Conscious is the one which makes us thik and we control it. I makes judgments and that is the actual mind with which we think or believe something

Unconscious is the one which listens to our conscious and does the actual work. But you are unaware of it process. It can’t make judgments about your thinking but just take it as the instruction and follow it.

For example, if consciously your mind says that  you are stupid, your unconscious will give his best to prove you stupid in front of others

The tools that I have mentioned makes you aware of these harmful conscious thoughts which makes your unconscious go against you and enables you to control them and in turn control the subconscious to make it work for you.

Sigmund Frued, the founder of psychoanalysis once said

“Look into the depths of your own soul and learn first to know yourself, then you will understand why this illness was bound to come upon you and perhaps you will thenceforth avoid falling ill.”

So you need to understand yourself because the solutions to all your problems lie within you.

2.    Another principle which is used here is “Autosuggestions”, a system for self-improvement developed by Emile Coue.

They activate the infinite power of our subconscious mind to work for positive goals.

You can use autosuggestions and affirmations to achieve many different kinds of positive goals, such as confidence or courage, better memory or concentration, recovery from disease, better relationships, removing bad habits; and success in anything you do.

As per Emile “When the imagination and will power are in conflict, are antagonistic, it is always the imagination which wins, without any exception.”

So autosuggestions gives positive power to your imagination so that you win and not lose.

Well, there are other principles also involved but they are much complex and are not necessary to know in the context.

Hope you enjoyed the ideas given and look forward to use them to transform your lives.

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